Where Are You On This?

"Where are you on this, on a scale from 1 to 10?"

This simple question can transform potential arguments into productive conversations by revealing what truly matters to each person. It creates an immediate, shared language that cuts through emotional noise.

In a healthy partnership, most conflicts don't stem from different values but from how each person applies those values to specific situations. The same core value might lead to different priorities depending on context and perspective.

I developed this communication tool with my wife, but it works equally well in professional settings, family discussions, and friendships. Anywhere people need to make decisions together, this approach brings clarity.

How It Works

Each person picks a number from 1 to 10. Don't overthink it — go with your gut reaction. The question is simple: "How important is this to you, on a scale of 1 to 10?" where 1 means "I don't care at all" and 10 means "This is absolutely non-negotiable for me."

Understanding the scale:

Be honest with yourself and your partner. If everything becomes an 8+, the system doesn't work. You can't have everything be top priority.

If someone struggles to assign a number, that's valuable information in itself: it suggests the issue is complex or emotionally layered for them. Your gut reaction (or lack thereof) is telling you something important. Regardless of what number they eventually choose, you've already identified a starting point for a meaningful discussion.

Each person says their number and a discussion can follow. The numbers are not a secret, nor is the process of discovering them. The whole idea here is to talk about why you picked your number.

What the Numbers Mean

The numbers aren't just data points — they're gateways to understanding the deeper values and needs driving our reactions to everyday situations.

Sometimes you might feel heated about an issue only to realize when you assign it a number that you actually care very little about it, perhaps a 3 or 4. This is perfectly normal. Humans are neither robots nor angels: our gut reactions can sometimes betray our deeper priorities. Sometimes asking "Does this really matter to me?" is all it takes to realize "Not really."

Other times you might start off low and move higher as you really consider the issue. You might initially think:

"I don't really care about attending this party. I'm a 3 on it."

But then realize:

"I'm actually a 7 because this matters deeply to my friend who organized it, and supporting her is important to me."

It is ok for your number to change as you think about it: it means you are building the bridge between this topic and your deeply held internal values.

Uncovering Layers of Importance

As you explore the "why" behind your numbers, you'll often discover that your initial rating contains multiple layers of importance. What begins as:

"I'm an 8 on going to this event."

Might evolve into:

"I'm actually a 9 on supporting my friend who is speaking, but only a 4 on attending the entire conference."

This is not a sign of confusion or indecision: it is evidence of growing clarity. By separating different aspects of an issue, you gain precision about what truly matters to you. These distinctions often reveal perfect compromise opportunities that weren't visible at first.

These insights become even more valuable when shared with your partner.

Bringing Numbers Together

Often, you'll discover that you and your partner are actually aligned on what matters, but are having a disagreement about details that don't. What seemed like different viewpoints are frequently compatible priorities when you understand the reasoning behind them.

Pay attention to big differences. When one person rates something an 8 and the other a 2, you've found something worth talking about. Why do we see this so differently?

Similarly, if you're both at low numbers but still heading toward an argument, ask yourselves why you're creating conflict over something neither of you finds particularly important.

Simple questions like "What makes this a [number] for you?" help dig into the deeper reasons behind our beliefs. Once you have shared understanding, solutions often become obvious without either person feeling they've "lost."

Quick Resolution for Low-Priority Items

One of the best features of this system is how quickly it helps you avoid unnecessary conflict. When both people rate something below a 7, you've immediately identified an issue that doesn't need lengthy discussion.

The system shines with low-to-mid-range numbers. If you're a 2 on what movie to watch tonight and your partner is a 5, you can just go with their preference without needing to analyze it. This works especially well for everyday decisions that couples often get stuck on: what to eat for dinner, what to watch, weekend plans, etc. These minor choices can spiral into frustrating standoffs that ultimately do not matter.

You can even use this proactively by stating your number upfront. Saying "I'd like to try that new restaurant tonight, I'm about a 4 on it" immediately gives your partner valuable context. Another powerful approach is communicating where you have strong needs while remaining flexible about everything else:

"I'm flexible about what we watch tonight, but I'm a 9 on starting by 8:00 so I can get enough sleep before my early meeting."

"I don't care if we stay in or eat out, but I'm a 9 on eating something healthy tonight."

These statements efficiently combine flexibility with clear boundaries, letting your partner know exactly where you need accommodation and where you're open to their preferences.

My wife and I use these preemptive approaches all the time. It's amazing how much smoother daily life becomes when you communicate not just what you want, but how much it matters to you.

Handling When Issues Matter Deeply

When someone is at a 7 or higher, understanding why becomes the priority for both parties. A high number signals that this connects to something important: a core value, a deeper need, or a significant concern.

In most cases where one person is an 8 and the other is at a lower number like 6, you'll ultimately do what the 8 wants. But in 100% of cases, a discussion should happen to understand why the topic registers as an 8. The goal is to understand why this is an 8, not just deferring to the bigger number.

Importantly, the person rating something as an 8 needs to understand their own "why" just as much as their partner does. Often we feel strongly about things without fully recognizing what's driving that reaction. Taking time to reflect on "Why is this so important to me?" helps you know your deeper values, making the conversation more productive for both of you.

Sometimes you'll identify a high-priority issue at an inopportune time: when you're rushed, tired, or in the middle of something else. The numbers give you a simple way to acknowledge importance without having to have a conversation right away:

"I see you're an 8 on this and I'm a 7. Let's talk about this tonight after dinner."

This isn't avoidance; it's ensuring that the most important matters get the quality of attention they deserve.

Occasionally, you'll both have high numbers (8+) that directly conflict. This signals something significant: you've encountered a clash of core values. These moments deserve your fullest attention and most thoughtful communication. Approach these conversations with genuine empathy, focusing on understanding rather than "winning." While resolution will ultimately be necessary, the path forward begins with recognizing the depth of what's at stake for both of you.

What makes this approach powerful is how it transforms conversations about preferences into explorations of values. When you consistently treat high numbers as invitations to understand rather than problems to solve, you build a relationship where both people feel deeply seen and respected, even when you disagree. The numbers aren't just deciding who "wins" - they're guiding you toward what truly matters to each other.

A Real-Life Example: Navigating a 7 vs 8

Setting: Wife is feeding the baby. Our toddler is yelling about something. There is a baseball game on in the background.

Wife: "Let's have the neighbors over this Saturday."

Me: "Hmm, I was hoping we could have some downtime this weekend. Where are you on this?"

Wife: "Pretty high, probably an 8."

Me: "Woah! Okay. I'm like a 7 on needing downtime. Let's discuss this tonight after the kids are asleep."

Note the language used here: this is a casual conversation that we would be having anyway, but the numbers add so much depth. The dialogue is natural, not clinical, and we're not nitpicking the numbers or overanalyzing our feelings. Notice also that this is a good stopping point for this conversation. We are both aware of the importance here and it makes sense to defer this until later when we can really engage each other without distractions.

At this point I did not know why it was important for my wife to have the neighbors over, but I trusted that she had a good reason and would share with me later.

I also did not know why I was a 7 on wanting downtime: it's just how I felt in the moment. During bathtime I had to ask myself why I felt so strongly about downtime. I realized we had social plans the last four weekends straight and I wanted a break just for us.

Later that night:

Wife: "About the neighbors… they were really gracious watching our house last weekend. It feels important to me, like a social obligation, to reciprocate soon."

Me: "Ah, okay. Yes - I totally agree we should thank them. I'm a 7 on that, maybe higher. My 7 for downtime was because we've spent the last four weekends being social, and I was really looking forward to it being just us this weekend. I think we need some family recharge time."

Wife: "Oh - good point. That sounds nice too. Okay, how about we have the neighbors over during the week instead? Like Wednesday?"

Me: "Perfect."

What could have become an argument never did. Instead, we had a simple conversation about what mattered to each of us. Once we understood her "8" and my "7", finding a solution was obvious and took seconds. This is what makes the number system work.

Also notice that we didn't need to labor over the breakdown of numbers and over-analyze the situation. We could have gone down a rabbit hole of understanding why the social obligation was important to my wife, and assigned a lower number to "Saturday vs Wednesday". But all of that was unnecessary once we understood the real driving emotions behind both of our desires.

Our conversation even brought an unexpected benefit when the neighbors came over. The evening took on extra meaning simply because I understood how important it was to my wife. Without our number discussion, it would have been just another routine social event.

Final Thoughts

An overlooked truth in relationships is that not every disagreement needs equal weight. Many conflicts can be resolved when given the right context. This pattern repeats itself countless times in our lives: friction transformed into understanding with the proper perspective.

Picking a number from 1 to 10 is not about quantifying how you feel: it is about understanding why you feel a certain way so that you can explore those feelings with your partner. The numbers give you a starting point for a meaningful conversation or they can give you permission to let go of things that don't matter. It is a simple tool with surprising depth.

As you become more familiar with this approach, you'll find the process becomes increasingly intuitive. What begins as consciously assigning numbers evolves into a natural awareness of what truly matters to each of you. Over time, you build a mental map of your partner's core values, enhancing your ability to see situations from their perspective. My wife and I have used this system for years, and we now navigate potential conflicts with remarkable efficiency. The numbers have become a shared language that helps us cut through noise and get straight to the heart of what's important.

It doesn't require special training or vocabulary - just a willingness to be honest about what truly matters to you. The next time you think you might be headed towards an argument with your partner, try asking "Where are you on this?"